Alright, I don’t know if this whole Mr. Grey thing is going to work out.

BEWARE. SEDUCING YOU. // Image via Tumblr.

BEWARE. SEDUCING YOU. // Image via Tumblr.

No matter how suave and classy he is in the streets, I keep getting hints from him that he is, in fact, a freak in the sheets. For instance, we’re on a date having dinner, it’s going really well, and we take it back to his place for some wine. He asks me if I want to play a game. I like games. I’m down. Why not?

He pulls out this game called Headbands. It’s where you don’t know what person or thing you are on a card stuck to your forehead and you have to guess. Simple enough. But underneath it is another game …

CALLED “FIFTY SHADES OF PLAY.”

At this point I’m like … I’m just going to act like this is funny. So I call him out on it, trying to be cool about it while I read a few cards (and turn bright red at them, specifically the one about butt stuff) out loud. I can’t keep a straight face. He plays it off like it’s a joke, taking a cue from my attitude. OK, Mr. Grey. I see exactly what you are doing.

We played Headbands, not Fifty Shades, if you’re curious. And it was a lot of fun! But the other game was just sitting there on the coffee table like … staring at me. Intimidating me. Taunting me.

My next clue was found in his immaculate, spotless bathroom. I mentioned last week that everything in his house is sleek and very minimal. All of his art is expensive and really nice. So why in his bathroom does he have hanging on the wall a wooden object that kind of looks like a back scratcher, but is most definitely, definitely NOT a backscratcher?!

What. Is. That? // Image via Tumblr.

What. Is. That? // Image via Tumblr.

I spotted it and thought, “Wow… that looks like something you’d spank someone with.” Did my mind just automatically go there because I’ve already got it in my head that he’s a freak? The Thing was subtle… it wasn’t like, black leather with red fringe or anything ridiculous. But it was absolutely NOT a back scratcher. I’m still not sure exactly what it was, but I feel safe in guessing it’s a sex thing. (First of all, why is it hanging in your bathroom? Are you intentionally trying to let me know you’re a freak? Do you always keep it there? Do you use it in the bathroom? Where am I? What is this? Who are you?)

The next clue was when he realized he hadn’t given me the tour of his house, even though so far I’d seen the living room, bathroom and kitchen. Upstairs is his bedroom, and I was relieved to find out it’s just a nice, normal bedroom. Except everything is spotless. But anyway, he shows me around downstairs and there was one door we hadn’t explored.

“What’s this room?” I asked.

He snuck up behind me and was doing the whole “I’m romantic and sexy” thing and said, “Oh that? It’s just my Red Room.”

Why you gotta be so smooth, Mr. Grey? // Image via Tumblr.

Why you gotta be so smooth, Mr. Grey? // Image via Tumblr.

When I didn’t reply he laughed, kidding obviously. I opened the door and it was just a normal guest bedroom. But still! Like, why would you say that?

The final clue came when he confessed some very, shall we say, open-minded sexual experiences he’s had. I’m talking threesomes, foursomes and bondage. As intimidating as that sounds, that’s not really what freaks me out the most about him. He also confessed that when he’s in a relationship, if the other person cheats, he doesn’t want to know about it. Straight up just does not want to know, and expects the same from his partner.

I thoroughly disagree with this on a moral, personal level. There is no way I could be in a relationship where both partners were OK with cheating. If others want to do that, I really don’t care, but it’s not for me personally. So sexual curiosity aside, that’s when I knew for sure that this isn’t going to work.

Far from traditional. // Image via Tumblr.

Far from traditional. // Image via Tumblr.

At least he’s up front with me. That much I do respect. Props to him for being himself and letting that Freak Flag fly. And in all honestly, he’s a super nice guy. We get along great and he’s actually really sweet and romantic, in a Christian Grey/possessive/intimidating sort of way. And I must admit that I’m curious, but the ‘let’s-not-talk-about-cheating’ thing is really what gets me. I just don’t share. It’s simple.

Now I guess the question is: Am I curious enough to let him keep courting me anyway? Stay tuned.

With Love, Lola