I’ve made up my mind about the whole Big/Alex situation, and I might be causing myself some suffering but honestly – I don’t care.

lola alex bigBig made me really mad this weekend. In short – he complained that I didn’t go to New Orleans with him and that I barely spoke to him while he was away.

So, thinking that I’d give him a chance given all of our complicated circumstances, I sent him a text on Saturday and asked what he’d be doing that night. Hours later he finally replies, telling me he has dinner plans. OK. No worries.

Hours later he’s drunk texting me, not making any sense or even listening to what I was trying to say – which was that I was sleepy and hadn’t planned on doing anything. I know good and well that he expected me to invite him over – he was in my neighborhood on the East side after all – but I didn’t. I had asked to make plans with him earlier, he already had plans, so I made other plans. Granted, my plans weren’t anything extravagant, just a little relaxation while watching The Office, but still. How could he expect me to just be sitting around waiting for him to get done with his dinner date, or whatever it was he had been doing? Nope. Not how I operate.

lola alex bigOn his final drunk text of ‘WYD,’ I didn’t reply, and fell asleep like a baby. I didn’t reply for the entire next day, but cut to Monday morning and I wake up to a text from him saying ‘Good morning J.’ I wanted to say, ‘THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.’ But I didn’t. I just said ‘Mornin’’ like nothing had happened. What’s the use in fighting anyway?

Daniella says I set a different standard for myself with Big, and I am starting to think she’s right. Why is it I let him do this to me? At the end of the day, we’re not going to work out. We were never going to work out. So what’s the point? Perhaps we can be friends but for now, I’m just exhausted of his crap and I’m not really thinking about him a lot anyway, because my mind is literally flooded with thoughts of Alex.

lola big alexIt seems the harder I try not to like him, the more I end up liking him. The more I try to ignore his comments about Big or Brad or whatever guy is there in the moment, the more I notice and overthink it. The more I try to ignore his lingering gazes on me, the more they happen. The more I try to resist, the more I want to give in.

After his comment last week about Big being ‘boring,’ I’ve been analyzing and wondering why he felt the need to comment that. Why does he always feel the need to make a remark about any guy I bring around? If they’re not good enough for me – just who is, Alex? Hmmm?

Days following the Mr. Big comment, I could tell Alex was mad at me. Where we were starting to tag each other in funny memes and be all around more friendly with each other, genuinely friendly, he was distant and aloof.

lola big alexSo what better time to ask him to shoot again this week? There’s an idea we’ve been wanting to do for a few months, and although he was stoic he immediately agreed and we set a day. A few more days passed and I think he got over it, because we’re back on friendly terms. When deciding the wardrobe for the shoot, I asked him to send me a photo of a pair of white pants he has that we’ve never shot in, as well as a few white shirts he’s got. I asked him how they fit, and if he thinks they’d work. I did not ask him to send me what he sent me next.

Rather than just sending me a photo of the pants and shirts like I asked, and telling me how they fit, he had to take a photo of his beautiful body, barely showing the length of the thin white pants but quite visibly showing the length of … well … you can guess the rest.

Eyes bulging out of their sockets, I stared in astonishment. WHY. WOULD. HE. SEND. ME. THAT?!?!?!!? His accompanying text? “Can you see the pants well enough in this?” No actually, no I cannot – because your abs and chest and EVERYTHING ELSE is literally RIGHT THERE. Never mind the shirts, who cares about those, right? The pants. Oh the pants.

lola big alexKeeping my cool, I replied that the pants looked fine and for him to bring both shirt options so we could see on the day of the shoot what works best. After all maybe it was unintentional and I’m completely overthinking it. Maybe it was a fluke shot, and maybe he didn’t realize how much it would affect me. Maybe he didn’t mean to send a photo of his half-naked body and his perfectly outlined um, member, for me to see – CLEARLY. Maybe he was just really excited about the shoot, I don’t know…

Or maybe my gut is right. Maybe even though Daniella thinks I should move on and even though Alex says he doesn’t want a relationship right now, maybe I shouldn’t let go so easily. Literally everything in me is saying, “Don’t give up just yet.”

So I won’t. Even if it causes me an even more considerable amount of emotional pain, even if it physically drives me crazy. I have to trust my gut, my heart. Stay tuned.

With Love, Lola